How To Set Your Boundaries
Do we really know what boundaries are? Do you know what your boundaries are?
Boundaries = Respect.
Boundaries teach people how to treat and respect you. They also create your sense of identity. They tell people what you will and will not allow in your life. If you find yourself ending up in the same situations over and over again that are causing you various levels of pain/distress (mental, emotional or physical), I can promise you it’s because of the boundaries that you lack. The first step towards having boundaries is realizing that you might in fact be lacking them. One way we let people invade our boundaries is when we dismiss early red flags for what they are, RED FLAGS.
Something I have been unapologetically ruthless about vocalizing are my boundaries. I don’t care if I’ve known you for 1 day, 1 month or years, if your behavior is not in line with how I want to be treated, I have no issue letting you know I won’t be entertaining your less than satisfactory behavior towards me. Why? Because our lives are not meant to be spent stressing out over someone else’s poor behavior towards us. That’s their shit. I don’t care how attractive, funny or rich you are; I’m not going to invest in you based on how much I like you, I am going to invest in you based on how much you invest in me (shout out to Matthew). Games? I think the fck not. Example: If you aren’t meeting me where I am in terms of respect for myself and our relationship/shituationship, I’m not going to teach you basic human decency. You should know a thing or two about that by now. Now, I will say that everyone’s emotional needs vary and I will let you know about mine as I believe communication is key. If after I vocalize my concerns/needs and you aren’t willing to respond in a healthy and compassionate manner, it’s my responsibility to find someone else who will for my own well-being.
It’s difficult for people to know where you stand when you don’t use your words to define your boundaries.
This is why you too should be ruthless about your boundaries: Life is too sweet and unpredictable to spend it trying to figure out why someone would treat you any less than the high-value man or woman that you are. Your responsibility is to determine whether or not they are worth vocalizing your boundaries and needs to. If they are not (check out this list of red flags), then your second responsibility is to find or allow someone into your life who adds value and makes you feel secure. Our lives are meant to be spent with people who add value, make us feel happy and emotionally, physically and mentally secure. Relationships should be a mutual source of joy, retreat and release; not constant confusion, anxiety and sadness. Read that last sentence again.
Your boundaries will protect you from really shitty people.
Some people have hesitations vocalizing their boundaries because they feel speaking up may ruin things, or maybe they recently met this person and they don’t want to come off as crazy for ‘calling out’ so early on. But that actually sounds crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you communicate something that has the potential of seriously hurting you down the line? You could be saving yourself time, feelers and major heartbreak.
If you have an uneasy feeling because of something they did, didn’t do or said, especially in the beginning, I HIGHLY suggest speaking up. It could be a simple way to clear up a misunderstanding or it could be the perfect opportunity to teach them about your boundaries if they are innocently unaware of them. This moment is SO important, so please read this closely. Once you vocalize your boundaries, their reaction/response will tell you exactly how emotionally responsive they are to your needs, and their actions following are what you need to focus on. If someone isn’t going to accept that their behavior caused you to feel a certain way and instead they dismiss your emotions and concerns… you need to get the fck out, STAT. If they decide to slowly fade out, I can promise you that they are doing you a favor. Their inability to hold space and respond to your emotions should not be your concern. That’s their shit. It is no way a reflection of your worth.
Here is a great way to determine if your boundaries are being tested/disrespected:
Before diving into this… there is a caveat. When starting a new relationship, take the lessons from past relationships but please leave your hurts and wrongdoings in the past. The biggest mistake you can make is projecting your past hurts into your new relationship and onto your new partner. AKA, boundaries being invaded vs unhealed wounds being activated. That’s a different discussion but it’s worth mentioning because I see it as one of the biggest relationship stressors and killers.
If someone causes you to feel any sort of negative emotion (stress, confusion, anxiety, anger or sadness) over something they did, didn’t do or said, there is a good chance they have consciously or unconsciously disregarded your boundaries.
Example of weak boundaries (easily disrespected/attracts partners with with poor intentions):
Allowing someone to inconsistently pop in and out of your life (if it makes you feel like shit when they disappear).
Allowing someone to emotionally, mentally or physically abuse you.
Allowing someone to take take take without giving in return. Your time, energy, intimacy, feelings, mental space and more. If it’s upsetting you, there is a good chance you either want something more from this person or you just want to stop giving so much of yourself to others.
Examples of strong boundaries (calls forward a high-value partner):
Telling someone you are not ok with them coming in and out of your life and actually sticking to your words so you aren’t allowing this kind of behavior after vocalizing it. Or at least giving them the opportunity to shape up now that they ‘know better’.
Telling someone that you can understand if they are busy but the constant flakiness isn’t something you want in your life as it’s just kind of disappointing and boring (lol, this is a nice jab at their ego).
Doing what you say. You can tell someone you are not ok with a behavior but let there be a consequence. Sure, carry on and give them another chance if it wasn't something too bad, but I recommend creating space in the meantime. When you create space between a partner, there is a chance they may change their behavior. You can’t miss something you already have… ya feel me? Let them prove to you that they see you and your boundaries through consistency and responsiveness. If they aren’t responsive, I promise you… they are NOT your person.
Here is a little perspective hack, and believe me, I understand it’s easier said than done. Creating and sticking to your boundaries comes naturally when you stop idolizing the other person. When you focus on their ACTIONS instead of their WORDS. When you take early red flags for what they are, RED FLAGS.
Believe them when they show you who they are in the beginning. Vocalize your concerns. If they aren’t going to shape up, it’s time for you to put them on the back burner and cook up something sweet and satisfying with someone else. ;)
Need some help establishing a boundary with someone? Message me via instagram. I’d love to help you come up with a way to establish your boundaries while figuring out if they are truly worth your time.