How to Move On Without Closure
Dear reader and friend,
As you will see, this article is mainly for anyone whose relationship ended without closure but also for anyone who hasn’t fully let go of someone from their past.
We are all familiar with the word ‘closure’ but do we truly know what it is on it’s most fundamental level? I believe closure is an acknowledgment of pain, and an appreciation for what once was. It makes complete sense as to why we would seek the acknowledgement and appreciation from the person who was/is most likely the source of the pain.
To try to carry on without having answers to questions that you are deeply tying your emotional well-being to is deathly to your own healing. Something I’ve learned is that you can’t expect or force closure out of someone who is incapable of giving it to you. If they can’t give you closure, imagine the things they can’t give themselves. To me, that sounds like a very unaware or lost person. Whether if they are being intentionally malicious, taking the easy way out by avoiding or are simply unaware, I understand how hard it is to be on the opposite end of that. But I believe people do eventually receive closure. It may not be from your former partner directly, but I promise that life and love have ways of healing your past. Lastly… hanging onto the notion that ‘closure will heal you’, will only amplify your pains and lengthen your healing. This dangerous hope chains you to the past and creates even more overwhelm because it is something you cannot control.
Healing begins when you take them off the pedestal you initially stepped down from.
I want to acknowledge your pain and appreciate that what you had with your partner, was real. The pain stemming from heartbreak isn’t something to be taken lightly and it pains me to think of people bearing this ache on their own. I understand what it’s like to feel paralyzed on every level of your being. I understand the nausea being so loud you can barely stomach anything. I’ve felt the racing anxiety behind orchestrated worst-case scenarios and being utterly consumed with looping memories, the “what-ifs” and the “if onlys”. It does not matter how long your relationship lasted, whether it was months or years, your experience was real. And I am so sorry you’re feeling the loss of it without the comfort of the person you think you need it most from. If they haven’t given you closure, it’s because they cannot. Everyone has their own way of processing things and until your former partner works through their own blocks, pains, subconscious insecurities/beliefs (etc…) that allows them to fully see you, genuine closure cannot be given. Closure eventually comes, but it typically arrives when you no longer need it the most.
Your time here is SO precious and our lives are not meant to be spent constantly questioning why someone didn’t choose us. Our lives are meant to be spent with people who invest in us. Who add value, make us feel happy and emotionally, physically and mentally secure. Relationships should be a mutual source of joy, retreat and release; not constant confusion, anxiety and sadness. Stop choosing someone who isn’t choosing you; you deserve to be chosen.
Grieve Your Loss
I want to encourage you to sit with your emotions. I don’t believe in suppressing painful experiences by blocking them out or jumping into something with someone else right away. That does not heal you, it distracts you. The only way through these emotions is just that, through them. Sitting with emotions will be different for everyone, and there is no right way of doing so other than having patience and compassion for yourself and these emotions. Like, feel bad for yourself for a bit—it’s okay not to be okay for awhile. That sounds weird and unproductive, doesn’t it? I know. But it’s actually not and someone has got to give you the compassion, recognition and time you deserve… and that’s going to be you.
When you are done sitting with your emotions and grieving your loss… to the point of being fed up with sulking in all the muck, here is what you will do next…
What do you do when you lose something you really liked or even loved?
You replace it.
Personally, I am not the kind of person to “get under someone to get over someone” so that is not what I mean when I say “replace it”. This is what I mean; when you are done are sulking in the emotional residue, the best thing you can do for yourself is to actively choose to progress yourself every second, every minute, hour and day.
I hate to even say this because I don’t want people doing this for the wrong reason (like trying to get their ex back) but, when you fill the void with extremely positive things (when you’re ready) like working out, healthy routines, alone time (if that helps you recharge), nourishing foods, healthy friendships, gratitude, music, color, expansive books, journaling, passions and anything else that adds to your over all well-being, do you know how attractive you become? Do you ever wonder why people from your past start to pop in again when you are beginning to (excuse my language) get your shit together? It’s because they see how attractive that is.
How To Move On: Doing & Progressing
You have to focus on what empowers you. Whatever you focus on— whatever you tune into, you will feel more intensely. - Tony Robbins
Please remember this ^ when you catch yourself in a mental loop of memories or doing anything that is hindering your healing such as placing them on a pedestal or looking into what they have been up to via social platforms. Nothing good can come from checking in on what your ex is up to. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, you need to focus on what you do have, what you’re thankful for and things you want to experience more of.
I’ve found passion projects to be the greatest healing accelerator. Getting absolutely lost in something that you derive complete bliss and fulfillment from trumps the ache of your loss… even if its just for a few extended minutes and eventually hours and days. Quite honestly, my passion project (this blog) came to me during the thick of my own healing. Passion projects can be ANYTHING — gardening, painting, cooking, writing, creating, working out… DOING & PROGRESSING. Passion projects give you purpose and validation — and you are doing that on your own (you fckn badass). The only way you will fully move on, especially without closure, is if you validate yourself and your worth to the point of not needing to seek out people to do it for you. Not even from the person who invalidated you and your worth in the first place. This I promise you. When you fill your own needs and build your self-worth you begin to almost feel sorry for your former partner for being unable to see what you see in yourself. But guess what? That’s not your shit anymore.
You are your responsibility, you always have been. Your healing and healing process is not your former partner’s responsibility. If they haven’t given you closure, it’s because they cannot. If someone could, they would. It’s as simple as that. I feel for these unaware/lost people, I really do. But then I think, ‘these people aren’t who I want to invest in, because they are not investing in me’. It takes two people to make a relationship work, you know this. You can express your feelings and thoughts but if the other person isn’t willing to feed your needs, you are hurting and betraying yourself by sticking around (mentally, physically and emotionally).
Only you will be able to fully mend yourself. And it all starts with having compassion for yourself, validating your worth by ‘doing and progressing’, expanding your awareness, nursing your needs and finding someone else (when you’re ready) who is responsive to your needs.
Whether if this is a recent breakup or one that you can’t seem to let go of, I want you to know that you will be okay. But you cannot seek acknowledgement and appreciation from people who are incapable of giving it to you. You have to actively choose progression over pain, every second, minute, hour and day. You have to grow on and create a new life for yourself; one that doesn't exist without them, but one that never contained them in the first place. Life is too precious to spend it trying to figure out why someone didn’t choose us, remember? Closure will come, but you can’t spend your life waiting for it. You’ll let amazing friends, partners, experiences and opportunities pass you because you are focused on the wrong things— things that are not progressing you and that are chaining you to a painful past. You have a choice, when you’re ready, commit to growth out of the old. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself, I swear it.
With so much love,
Stephanie Daily
