Secure, Anxious or Avoidant. Which Are You?
Love is such a sacred thing. You are allowing someone to take space in your mind, body and spirit. What do we seek in someone else that we cannot find within or do ourselves today? I believe we are seeking emotional stability and responsiveness. I’d like to express how important it is to know yourself before getting into a relationship. If you do not know your needs or cannot express them, how can you expect your partner to be responsive to them?
There is a said theory about attachment strategies. People fall into 3 categories: secure, anxious or avoidant. Neither one of these are bad/good, they are just strategies we have developed at a young age to protect ourselves in an emotionally threatening environment.
Once again, these ‘strategies’ DO NOT define a person in a relationship. They only come into play when your attachment system has been activated— once you or your partner feel your bond has been threatened.
A little background if I may…
[The Strange Situation Test]
This theory studied the relationship between mothers and their children. The setting would be in a foreign room where the child would begin playing with new toys. Eventually, researchers would ask the mother to leave. Researchers would then observe the child once they realized their mother was gone.
Here are the findings: Having an attachment figure in the room was enough to allow a child to confidently explore unknown territory. Their “secure base” is knowledge that you are backed by someone who is supportive and that you can rely on with 100% certainty under any circumstance.
Once the mother would leave, the child would react in one of three ways: Secure, Anxious or Avoidant.
Secure Reaction: Distressed when mother leaves. Elevated heart rate.
Anxious Reaction: Intense distress when mother leaves. Elevated heart rate.
Avoidant Reaction: No sign of surface-level distress. Elevated heart rate.
What happens when the mother returns?
Secure Reaction: The baby is very happy and eager to greet his/her mother. Once in safety of his/her “secure base,” the child is quick to be reassured, calm down, and resume playing with the toys.
Anxious Reaction: The baby is happy and angry at the same time. He/she takes longer to calm down, and even when he/she does, it is temporary. A few seconds later, he/she will angrily push mother away and cry.
Avoidant Reaction: Remains unmoved and ignores his/her mom and continues to play indifferently. BUT, inside the baby is neither calm nor collected. Heart rates are just as elevated as other babies who express immense distress, and their stress hormone levels (cortisol) are high.
We all want the same damn thing even if we don’t know or feel it. Each of these strategies are our way of verbally or nonverbally reaching out for emotional stability.
How do these attachment strategies affect us as grownups?
[IN SHORT]
Secure strategies (if activated) are typically calm and collected. They are aware of a situation and naturally know what the other partner is seeking, whether it be reassurance or support. Secure strategies also communicate effectively and do not think about worst-case scenarios before, during or after confrontation.
Anxious strategies (if activated) will think about worst-case scenarios before, during and after confrontation. This strategy will need more compassion and reassurance than the other two. This strategy can be seen or felt if you make impulsive/destructive decisions or if you pull away. This strategy will act this way when they are seeking reassurance from a partner but do not know how or are afraid to communicate that need.
Avoidant strategies (if activated) will act and believe that they do not have access to certain feelings. They may distance themselves from a partner if they feel someone is getting too close. Otherwise stated, subconsciously, they are protecting themselves.
The Dependency Paradox
Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing and the level of hormones in our blood. Dependency is not a choice or preference— it is a fact.
This does NOT mean that in order to be happy we must be joined at the hip with our partner or give up other aspects of our life such as careers or friends. The opposite is true; the ability to step out into the world on our own (often) stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us who we can count on (a romantic partner or someone close to us).
I hope you hold this theory close. The scariest thing in my opinion, is getting attached to someone who cannot respond to your emotions. You can typically see this in the early stages of dating this kind of person. I strongly advise listening to your intuition and taking their actions at face-value rather than sticking around to find out the hard way.
I personally, have experienced an anxious/avoidant approach IF my attachment system is activated by someone who cannot reciprocate (an avoidant partner). Anxious in the sense of losing the person I am attached to so I pull away to avoid the hurt (avoidant). In the past, I have been afraid of speaking up because I thought it would ruin the relationship— what kind of a relationship is it if you feel you cannot express yourself? Lmao, ohhh how I learned from that one. I’m workin’ on it🙃. But in the meantime, I’m quite content being my own “secure base” ☺️.
Sources: https://www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth.html, Attached by Amir Levine, M.D. & Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.
