I’ve had a lot of people reach out to me via Instagram DMs recently about their partner’s behavior towards them. The theme of the conversations were toxicity, at least in my opinion. I felt compelled to write this article because I am certain there are others that may need an outside perspective to help them wake up, realize their worth and decide if the relationship is truly worth all the negativity or not. Though everyone is different and I believe in giving the benefit of the doubt (once or twice) I also believe people’s actions say/show the same thing.

1. They have a disorganizing effect on your life

When your day-to-day life becomes consumed with negative thoughts and situations stemming from your relationship/partner, that is exactly when you need to take a closer look at what is actually going on. Relationships shouldn’t make your life harder/unpleasant . You shouldn’t be mentally consumed with anxiety, sadness or confusion (‘mental disorganization’) because that is not what a healthy partnership is. Relationships should be an asset, not a mental/physical/emotional/spiritual liability.

2. Gaslighting

When I hear instances of gaslighting, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Why? Because it can seriously weaken and trap people into very toxic/isolated relationships; it’s scary and cruel. Gaslighting is sheer manipulation. It’s when a partner, in order to gain power or control over a situation, makes the victim/other partner question their reality.

Signs of gaslighting:

• When you have undeniable proof of something and your partner still denies their wrongdoing

• When they call you crazy for expressing your concerns/needs

• Their actions do not match their words

• You come out of conversations confused on what was talked about or concluded

• When they call everyone else a liar

• They flood you with positive affirmations and false promises when they feel they are losing control over you

• They project by accusing/questioning you of certain behavior to distract you from their behavior. This projection is used to have you focus on defending yourself instead of focusing on their actual behavior. I.e. they accuse you of cheating/inappropriate behavior because that’s what they’re actually doing.

3. You’re no longer yourself/ you’ve lost your self-esteem

One of the scariest things in my opinion is giving someone so much of yourself that they have the ability to shatter the ground under you if they were to leave…

Have you come to the point where you no longer feel secure in you relationship? Has emotional and physical distance with your partner made you question your self-worth? Are you second guessing every interaction/ text message you are sending to your partner? If so, I want you to understand that I know exactly how you’re feeling and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. When you begin to doubt your own worth, it affects how you show up in all aspects of your life, right? The minute someone invalidates your worth is the moment you should put your energy back into yourself instead of trying to prove your worth to the very person who invalidated it. I understand how badly you may want things to work and for them to fully see you but you’re betraying yourself by sticking around people that constantly make you feel sick on an emotional, physical, mental or spiritual level.

4. When your partner puts their needs above yours, always 

It feels so shitty not being fully seen, doesn’t it? I’m all about supporting my significant other but when there is nothing being given in return (love, support, compassion) it is draining and hurtful. More often than not, at this point, we give even more hoping they will see how strongly we feel and realize that we are a great partner. But rarely does a self-centered partner realize it for themselves until it is too late.

Another telltale sign is when the relationship is on their terms. Everything is revolved around their convenience and liking.

Some people don’t know their own needs within a partnership and that scares me. I believe being unaware of your own needs leads to having conflict, anxiety and a lack of boundaries. If you cannot clearly define and communicate your needs, you will likely retreat and suppress your genuine need for love within your relationship and will accept less than you surely deserve. Or, you might be less passive and lash out/demand changed behavior… if you’re dealing with a self-centered person, I don’t have the highest hopes that they will change for the long-term but your needs are worth communicating.

5. Irrational jealousy and lack of trust

There is a very fine line between boundaries being invaded vs old wounds being activated… You can tell when your partner’s wounds have been activated when they project their past hurts onto you for NO reason. I’m talking about excessive jealousy and insecurities based on the fact that this is what they experienced in past relationships, not because you have actually done anything in particular.

The greatest gift you can give to somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, ‘if you will take care of me, I will take care of you.’ Now I say, ‘I will take care of me for you if you will take care of you for me.’ - Jim Rohn

Unhealed wounds can be a huge relationship stressor and killer. If your partner’s excessive jealousy and lack of trust in you is a constant issue, I would reevaluate your own actions and see if you are in fact invading their boundaries or if they are projecting their past hurts. If they are constantly projecting and you have tried your best to be patient and compassionate, I want you to know it is not your responsibility to heal them, it is their own.

6. When they want to be right instead of finding a solution

Personally, I want a partner who approaches situations/arguments understanding that it is not them against me, nor me against them, it is us against the problem… don’t you?

7. You’re afraid of their reactions

If you cant talk to your partner about your concerns… what kind of relationship is that? To me, I don’t believe that is a relationship built on a solid foundation. If you believe expressing your concerns could lead to them leaving you or getting angry with you… that doesn’t sound like a compassionate relationship. If you are hesitant on communicating your concerns because you haven’t before, I understand that, but I highly encourage you to do so. This article is more so for people who are afraid of their partner’s reactions because in the past, their reactions have been hurtful, unfulfilling and spiteful— these are toxic reactions.

8. Mental/physical abuse

If you find yourself in an abusive realtionship that you want to get out of but for one reason or another you feel stuck or threatened, please seek talk therapy if you can… I understand everyone’s situation and circumstances are different but an outside perspective can help you see new perspectives and paths.

There are hundreds of online resources for helping people who find themselves in an abusive relationship. I.e., Better Help is online professional counseling. They make help accessible, affordable and convenient.

Our lives are meant to be spent with people who invest in us. Who add value, make us feel happiness and emotionally, physically and mentally secure. Relationships should be a mutual source of joy, retreat and release; not constant confusion, anxiety and sadness.

I promise, there are healthy and compassionate people out there. The moment you choose to believe that you deserve better and stop entertaining such behaviors, new partners/healing will come through. It is up to you to use past experiences to see red flags and weed out the wrong people, faster.

With love,

Stephanie Daily